A fear of what?

In September 2013 i left the seaside town of Selsey where my mother, brothers and i resided and headed for the capital. I dreamt of moving to London for so long, so when the opportunity to go to University just outside of London arose i couldn't wait to grab it with both hands. I moved in to a gorgeous house with a few friends, it was great. I was happy, content and just couldn't wait to start university and find a job. At that point in time nothing could have stopped me from living there. My friends and boyfriend visited me and were all so proud and happy for me, it was the best feeling ever. I found a job in a bar in Covent Garden within a couple of weeks and started working immediately. A few days later i then started university, now it all felt real. I am a person who may come across confident, but really i am far from it. When i started university i liked it, a few days in i noticed it was hard to make friends. Purely because everyone had got to know each other living in university accommodation. As the weeks went by, i had made one friend. As i sat in lectures, i found everything being taught so interesting but i started to realise the course was not for me. I just felt awkward and something didn't feel right. It would usually take me around two hours to travel into university from my house, i would grab a coffee on the way and sit on the train trying to relax, but i couldn't. This fear just started to take over, something that i found hard to explain to people, so i didn't. After just three months on the course itself i decided it wasn't for me. I sat down with my mother and explained everything, crying my eyes out and feeling like a failure. She reassured me i was not at all and not to get upset, but i couldn't help it.

Once i moved back to Selsey, i tried to hide away for a while so people did not know i had been a university drop out. After a while, people started to ask and question why i was back so much and i couldnt lie anymore. Ever since, ive just felt like such a failure. Not just because i feel judged but also because i worked so hard to get there and after a few months gave up. When i got settled in at home, i soon realised my fear had turned into panic disorder. I would have panic attacks in the most ridiculous circumstances, for a reason i could not work out.

I tried to forget about this whole experience all together and start again, but i found it really hard. But i sat there one day thinking to myself, what is failure? My answer: Failure is just a life lesson. I truly believe the reason people go through such hard times is purely to make them stronger. Without failure, i may have never learned the crucial lessons that allowed me to feel stronger and a bit more confident. So  i have now learnt not to dwell on the past, not to put yourself down and never to listen to people who judge. The truth of the matter is, no matter how much you learn and move forward from a failure in life, you soon realise that failure does happen, even to the best of us! As soon as you accept failure as a reality, it wont be as big and as frightening that you once thought it was. To me i now feel like the whole experience has given me the freedom to move forward, experience new paths in life and try new things. All these i may not have considered otherwise.

Listen to other peoples life stories: I always found this really helped and made me feel 'normal' again. My brother has sat with me many of times and told me stories of his life, his roller coaster in life that has made him the person he is now. This always encouraged me to take risks in life despite the fear of failure as learning of a persons story who has feared in life too but has since achieved such great things.

Learn and just reflect: Failure is just a part of life, how you move forward all comes down to how you deal with it. I feel its all just a big part of building your character.

"I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy." - Tony Robbins

Onwards and upwards